Guilty

We carry with us an inexplicable sense of being bad, wrong and guilty. There is an underlying feeling of guilt that the ego uses to create narrative and identity. The guilt is so pervasive that we must create meaning out of it.

In our human lives we begin to experience this as children. At some point early in our lives we perform an action that affects others negatively and earn judgement from our parents. We feel somehow that we have committed the gravest of sins. A massive weight enters our minds. We have done something terrible and wrong. We are wrong for doing it. The depth of this pain is unimaginable. We try to get control of it somehow. Since this feeling was the result of our actions, perhaps if we monitor and control our actions we can escape this feeling, prevent it from occurring again. If we do good actions and avoid doing bad actions, we never have to face this degree of pain again. Such is the logic that occurs in the mind of a child (and most adults).

In this episode is the dawn of dualistic identity, the split of self into id (the thing to be controlled; the emotional, irrational me that I am afraid of) and superego (the thing that controls; the logical, rational me that I wish to become).

The split occurs because of the ego principle: what I experience (guilt) and what I am (guilty) are the same thing. Resolution comes when I distinguish the two (experience and identity), reinterpret the experience (something that comes and goes, a part of me but does not define me) and allow and accept the experience. The experience can take seconds, minutes or hours to leave. It will return in some fashion, repeatedly, with different levels of intensity and frequency, but it is transient, and you are something much bigger and brighter than any experience. You are vast, empty, spacious, eternal and self-luminous. We don’t continually experience this, but that’s ok, because what we experience and what we are aren’t the same thing.

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